


The Price of Remediation

by offwhxte



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angry Reid, Angst, M/M, Mentions of Hankel, Oblivious Hotch, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-31 08:52:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10895922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offwhxte/pseuds/offwhxte
Summary: Hotch has been coming around for a few weeks following the incident with Hankel, and Reid's pushed to his breaking point.





	1. Chapter 1

Reid gently banged his head against the steering wheel, regretting every decision he'd ever made. As much as he would have liked to say he was exaggerating, he wasn't. 

He regretted everything since high school, at that point. Maybe if he hadn't slept around so much for a social experiment, or... or been so careless with everything when he realized who he was. Maybe if he hadn't kept using his memory and knowledge to his advantage early on, or gotten those PhDs and fast-tracked through training at Quantico.... he wouldn't have gotten into this mess. He wouldn't have been snatched up and almost killed by an unsub, and he wouldn't have met Hotch. 

Even more, maybe if he wasn't gay. 

Reid felt his heart ache suddenly and pressed his palm to his chest, as if he could cease the pain. 

So many commonplace ideas. So many stupid boys and ideas that couldn't be put into words. Too many times had he sat in the corner of his room trying to come up with some way to explain, to come up short with a wet face and a deflated sense of motivation. 

"I could be straight..." he whispered, trying to take deep breaths, "I just need... I need to work out some, and... and be more open to whatever. But I could do it." 

He flipped down the visor and opened the mirror, staring at his reflection and giving himself a shaky smile. 

 _Do I regret coming out when I did? Not one bit. What I do regret, however, is that I didn't do it sooner._  

Reid heard the car horn go off and felt a sting on his fist, glancing down and furrowing his eyebrows. He'd punched the steering wheel. 

 _Regret wasn't something I was focused on, in high school. What I was focused on, right underneath my studies, was trying to figure out what my gay life would be like. Trying to figure out if I would be the flaming kind, or the sex-every-night kind, or the kind you couldn't even tell was gay until they awkwardly spoke up._  

 _However, now? Now, I figure I'm none of those, but one more_ _familiar_ _\- the one that tries to avoid falling love with the man that's so close yet so far._  

Reid weaved his shaking fingers through his hair, glancing at the clock. Midnight and Hotch still wasn't there.  

"Oh, well," he whispered, wiping his eyes and sniffing as he started the car.  

He didn't know why he thought Hotch would come. He was probably home, sitting on his couch and watching some documentary after having put Jack to bed, totally fine. Not having an anxiety attack because he liked cock- 

Reid jumped and looked to the car window as he heard a gentle knocking. 

"Reid, are you crying?" Hotch asked, just loud enough to hear through the door. 

The brunette turned off the engine and stuffed his keys roughly into his pocket, swinging the door open and standing up, "Where the hell have you been?" 

"Traffic," Hotch replied. 

"At nearly one in the morning, I _seriously_ doubt it," Reid shook his head and leaned on the side of his car, "If you didn't want to come, you could have told me. I wouldn't have been upset, Hotch." 

"No, I wanted to, I just was worried," Hotch crossed his arms over his chest, "God, it's cold out here." 

"Yeah." 

"Why... why am I here?" Hotch asked, his voice quiet, "Not that I don't want to be here, but... y'know." 

Reid looked up at him, "You don't like me, do you?" 

Hotch seemed surprised, "What?" 

"Me," the brunette's voice cracked, "I'm not much else but a boy, am I?" 

"You're... you mean a lot more than that." 

Reid laughed, sarcastic and _loud_ , "Why did you stay?" 

"Stay?" Hotch seemed slightly scared, "I'm confused, Reid, I-" 

"This remediation bullshit," Reid whispered, "Why did you come back? Why did you stay?" 

"I was worried after Hankel, Reid." 

Reid shook his head, "That's not right. You're lying." 

Hotch frowned and tried to grab Reid's hands, letting out a small gasp as Reid jerked away, "Reid-" 

"Don't tell me you didn't feel it," Reid murmured, the first of many tears to fall drifting down the side of his face, "The anxiety of not being with me, just like me to you. Please- you... didn't you feel incomplete?" 

Hotch stared at him. 

Reid closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, "Okay. Okay, so tell me this- what was that week about?" 

"The week... was to make sure you were okay," Hotch held his hands out, as if he was trying to calm a crazed mental patient, "I wanted to help you with the the cravings, with everything." 

"Even when you _knew_..." Reid ran his fingers through his hair, "... even when you knew I was... God, I hate mys—I'm just...." 

Reid slid down the car until he was sitting on his ankles, leaning back on the tire. 

"Let's go home," Hotch pleaded, "We can talk about this in the morning." 

"You were the only one," Reid whispered, his breath coming in small hiccups, "The only one who got the clue. You told me how everyone looked at you when you pointed out the damn Bible verse... They all think that we're together. That we're dating."  

"I know." 

"Hotch, what I wouldn't _give_..." he looked up and met Hotch's eyes, "... what I wouldn't give to be with you." 

Hotch closed his mouth. 

"I'm embarrassing, I know," the brunette whimpered, averting his gaze, "but you couldn't understand." 

"I could try." 

"No," Reid chuckled quietly, "You don't understand- I'm _very_ gay. I am very, very gay. And you were pretty, and smart, and you had a penis. And somehow that translates, in my very, _very_ gay brain, to a scenario in which I can't live without you. Because I _love_ you." 

Hotch sat on the cold asphalt in front of him, speechless. 

"I wonder if I lied to you," Reid wiped his eyes with the backs of his hand, "If I told you that I was, like, dating Emily or something. If I lied to you, would you have not come back?" 

"I..." Hotch's bottom lip quivered, "I don't think so." 

"Okay," he sniffed, "Okay, okay. I'm okay." 

"I'm sorry," the suited man whispered, "I'm sorry, but I can't... I just can't..." 

"I know," Reid slowly found his voice, "It's okay. You didn't mean to get into this." 

"I'm... I'm sorry." 

Reid shook his head and stood, "No need to be." 

"Reid-" 

"I'll get Garcia to edit my files, try to hide the addiction and the temporary address change," he fished his keys from his pocket, "You don't have to come over anymore, and you don't have to give me pity sex because I'm craving or because you miss Haley. You don't have to deal with me anymore. Okay?" 

"No," Hotch stood as well, trying to grab Reid's hands, "Don't do this." 

"I can't do this anymore," Reid shook his head and pushed him away gently, "It hurts too much. Please. Please, let me go." 

Hotch opened his mouth, but stepped back and let Reid get in his car. 

Reid started the engine and flipped up the visor before pulling out of the parking lot, not giving so much as a glance back. 

"I'll..." Hotch sniffed, "I'll love you." 


	2. The Morning and Night After

Hotch placed his items on the counter, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. His eyes were closing slightly, as he was exhausted. A full night of sleeplessness, a full night of dialing Reid's number and then getting too nervous to actually call. The haul of energy drinks to induce cardiac arrest 

Exhausted. Emotionally, mentally, physically... exhausted. 

"That'll be $14.50," the girl at the counter murmured around her gum, "Thanks for y-" 

Hotch glanced up as she paused, meeting wide, brown eyes. He grimaced. He wasn't one to be recognized by anyone but psychopaths and reporters and both were equally scary.  

"Oh, you're the dude from the television, right?" she laughed while Hotch just made a confused noise from the depths of his throat, "Man, I'm so glad you got out of there." 

He narrowed his eyes. They had been on some disturbing cases the past weeks, maybe he'd been in the foreground while JJ was leading one of the press conferences. That didn't quite explain the last part of her sentence, but he chose to ignore it. "Please, just let me buy my stuff." 

"Sure," she sighed and clamped her mouth shut before beginning to speak again, "So, he yelled 'cause you weren't committed?" 

"God, will you ju-" Hotch stopped in his tracks. "What?" 

"I saw it on the news," she shook her head and popped her gum, "He's a wreck, ain't he?" 

Hotch blinked twice. There were many ways the altercation the night before could have gotten out to the media, but he doubted any of them were on purpose by Reid. Maybe he went out to a bar, got drunk, couldn't keep his mouth shut? Maybe one of those reporters that always got infatuated with him had found his house or were in the bushes while they spoke in the parking lot they always met on... fuck. 

"Uh, I just want my food, thanks," Hotch shifted on his feet, trying to avoid her eyes. He wondered if he should call Reid or just go over there. Either way, there was no stopping him. He didn't want to risk anything happening to Reid, as mad as the genius was at him. 

He glanced up to the TV placed on the counter and felt his mouth part at the story that was on. 

"Could you...?" he pointed to the screen. 

"Oh, of course." 

She turned up the volume, and he watched the pictures of Reid and Hotch flash across the screen. He wondered where the pictures had come from. 

 _"Can we trust someone in the FBI with such unstable working relationships?_ _"_ One of the reporters shook her head. 

 _"Of course, he's had a hard life, all of them do._ _You can never be so sure where someone's head is."_  

Hotch grimaced as the picture of he and the brunette kissing in that parking lot flashed on his eyelids when he blinked. His head raced, images of a crying Reid projected alongside them. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he glanced down, pulling it out and staring at the flashing letters. 

 _Spencer_ _...._ _Spencer_ _.... Spencer..._  

"Aren't you gonna answer that?" the girl behind the counter asked, leaning over slightly to see the screen. 

Hotch shook his head hesitantly, "Probably. Can I have my change?" 

He heard the ringing cease and let out a long breath. Maybe Reid had given up? Maybe he realized how unhealthy Hotch was for him? 

 _RING, RING, RING!_  

Hotch sighed and answered the call. 

"Reid?" 

 _"Get down here."_  

"Um... JJ?" Hotch snatched the coins from her hand and stuffed them into his pocket, grabbing his bags, "What's wrong?" 

 _"I found him in the lake."_  

Hotch froze, his grip on the phone tightening, "H-he.... what?" 

 _"I went to his house to check on him, and the door was unlocked and his clothes were everywhere and I checked, and... and there he was."_  

"Oh, my God," Hotch whispered, "He can't b-" 

 _"No, he's, uh... he's breathing, he just.... It scared me."_  

Hotch jumped into his car and started the engine, relieved that Reid was still alive, "I'll be there in a bit. Are you in the house, or... still down at the lake?" 

 _"He's sleeping, right now, in the bed."_  

"Okay, okay," Hotch shook his head at the unnecessary panic the lack of explanation had caused, "Was... was it on purpose? Did he really try to.." 

 _"I think so, Hotch."_  

Hotch let out a long breath, trying to calm his pulse, "Wake him up, and I'll be there in a bit. Just make sure he stays conscious." 

 _"Okay."_  

Hotch hung up and tossed the phone to the side, speeding out of the parking lot, not caring how much faster he was going than the speed limit. 

_______

Hotch blinked himself awake; the dysphoric feeling of the pressure of a body beside him lifting and receding.  

"Where are you going?" he slurred, opening his eyes and squinting through the dark. 

There were a few shuffling sounds, along with a few whimpers, before, "Go back to sleep, Hotch." 

Hotch hadn't heard that voice for nearly eleven hours and wanted nothing more than to hold the man it belonged to. He pushed himself up from the bed, feeling around for Reid. He crawled over to the edge of the bed and eventually brushing against warm skin. He loved it when Reid didn't wear a shirt. It was such a rare occasion for him to be wearing anything but layers upon layers of clothes. This beautiful vulnerability was reserved just for him. 

"What are you doing?" Reid tutted quietly. 

"Come back to bed, please," he murmured, keeping his hand on what was supposedly Reid's hip, "You're warm." 

He frowned as Reid didn't move.  

"Please," Hotch closed his eyes, "Lay with me?" 

The buzz of worry faded from his ears as he felt Reid step forward into his touch. 

"I don't know what you're waiting for." 

Hotch could hear Reid's smile and slowly slipped his arms around Reid's waist, pulling him onto his lap, "Never do that to me again, Reid." 

"I'm sorry," Reid mumbled, burying his face into Hotch's neck, "I won't." 

"What time is it?" Hotch asked, meekly brushing his fingers down the back of Reid's neck, "More importantly, why aren't you asleep?" 

"I'm not sleepy," he mumbled, "I can't get any of these stupid thoughts out of my head." 

"What thoughts?" Hotch pressed his cheek to Reid's burning hot one, "Tell me." 

By the time they made it to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine, it was about two in the morning. Hotch accepted the warm mug as it was handed to him, mumbling a, "Thank you." 

"Not a problem," Reid leaned back onto the counter. 

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" 

The brunette glanced up, "Hotch, are you going to leave when I get better?" 

"You aren't broken, Reid. But I'll stay, maybe. Depends on if you want me to," Hotch took a sip of his coffee, "But I'd probably stay anyway." 

"Okay," Reid nodded to himself, "That's good." 

"Reid, do you think I'd leave?" 

Reid didn't answer.  

After a few moments, he walked over to Hotch and took the mug from his hands. He placed it on the counter before gingerly sliding his hands around the back of Hotch's neck and pulling him into a kiss.


End file.
